We start to learn how to make our parents “happy” when we are very young, but it becomes harder and harder when they move into old age.

“I used to buy my mother a lot of things to make up for the hours I couldn’t spend with her, but she wasn’t really thrilled and claimed it was a waste of money,” said Ann, a 40-year-old professional woman and her parents’ only child.

“Since the outbreak of the epidemic, I’ve been working from home. I was able to return and live with her for a short time. Everything was OK at first; we were enjoying the reunion feeling. But then she got dissatisfied once more.” Ann expressed her displeasure.

“She’s become so hard to predict, and I don’t know what could make her happy. I tried almost everything, but nothing seems to work.”

We receive a lot from our readers every day, such complaints as this– we know the pain.

First of all, you should stop trying to “please them” in the way that you feel they should be pleased because what you offer is not necessarily what they want. In addition, physically being with your loved one doesn’t mean you provide good mental support. Getting older isn’t easy to do. Changing relationships, shrinking social networks, and growing health issues make this process more challenging. As seniors’ lives progress, their inner worlds evolve, too. Therefore, it is time to bring their emotional needs into focus.

Recognize their needs

According to relationship psychologist Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., CSAT-S, everyone has their own set of emotional needs that they value the most. Still, as humans, we all have the same basic emotional needs. These basic emotional needs will ensure our relationship thrives, and our sense of self is secured, which includes being emotionally seen and feeling important in our relationships as a person. These needs are met through communication.

How long has it been since you sat down and had a nice long talk with your parents? Making them emotionally heard is the first step in the journey of empathy, and empathy is the key to providing good companionship.

A good conversation is always about giving and taking, but continuously giving would deplete each other’s willingness to keep the conversation going. Try to actively listen to your parents’ words without making quick judgments. Active listening entails listening with all of one’s senses. Maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, smiling, agreeing by saying ‘Yes’ or ‘Mmm’ encourages them to continue.

Also, observe their non-verbal cues such as tone of voice, eye contact, gestures, and body movement as signals to add meaning to the conversation. If they avoid eye contact or constantly move their limbs, it means the conversation has created tension, and they might not be honest about how they are feeling. See our post on “How To Communicate With Seniors” to find out more details.

It is important to let your loved ones see that you listen and are sensitive to their needs. By providing ‘feedback’ and showing sensitivity, the speaking person will usually feel more at ease, allowing them to communicate more freely, openly, and honestly.

Talk about your feelings

As mentioned, the conversation doesn’t come unilaterally, How to Communicate with Seniors. When figuring out the best solution to provide your parents with good companionship, it is essential to talk about how you feel about them, the situation you are facing, and what you wish to improve in the relationship.

Tell them what you were thinking when doing things that you hoped would make them happy but didn’t work out. Let them know the hardship you are encountering, but don’t use victimized language that makes your parents feel they are doing the wrong things to you.

It is critical not to be passive-aggressive with your loved ones. You should not punish them for not knowing how you feel instinctively or for failing to read your mind.

Nobody can expect everyone to meet all of their needs. It takes time and effort to practice knowing your loved one’s needs and offer quality companionship. However, there are several things you can do with your elderly parents to spend time together and get to know them again.

List of things you can do to spend time with your loved one

1. Help them with cooking

Humans connect through food. Having them at the dinner table isn’t the only way to share happiness. Another one of the best ways to interact with our senior family members is to cook together. This not only allows you to bond, but it also encourages them to stay active and feel more involved in family activities. Rather than simply cooking for the elderly, incorporate them into the process to enrich their experience and make them feel important by helping. This is especially beneficial for seniors with dementia, as the process of cooking and meal planning can elevate their moods.

2. Go for a walk after diner

If the weather and your loved one’s physical condition allows, enjoy a peaceful evening by walking and talking with them. Walking boosts circulation after eating, thus increasing adrenaline and endorphin levels, which provide both you and your loved one a happy and energetic feeling throughout the conversation. You can talk about plans, happy memories, and new interests or hobbies during your walk, which reinforces positive emotions with physical activities.

3. Bring your kids to family gatherings

Many seniors love spending time with kids. Although you might think these two groups have little in common, research from the Atlantic shows that both children and the elderly see benefits from spending time together. Seniors generally have less depression, better physical health, and more satisfaction with life after having their grandkids visit. Some communities have preschools and daycares inside the nursing homes themselves.

4. Use nostalgia

Nostalgia might sound like a sentimental thing, but proper use of it can benefit seniors in many ways. This includes helping them deal with challenges from the past, letting go of unpleasant feelings, and gaining a more mature perspective on their current lives.

Memories can be sparked by seeing old photos, hearing old music, tasting old dishes, or even just smelling something familiar. Nostalgia jogs our memories of the good old times —the moments we may have taken for granted when they were happening.

Also, reminiscing helps to strike up a conversation or keeps a conversation going when it goes dry. Asking questions like “Do you remember when we…?” may help to draw closer to your loved one. Moreover, letting your loved ones pass on family stories would greatly enhance their emotional strength and confidence. Using CareStory to record and help your loved one recall sweet memories makes this process easier.

Good companionship can be achieved when you are away

1. Regular video/phone calls

If you live far away and cannot often visit, try to call them as much as you can. Your loved one wants to know what is going on in your life. It will give them reassurance and a sense of being involved. Our best advice is to call them once a day in terms of frequency. You can make a call during lunch or at the end of the day and ask them if they have eaten and what they did. It usually takes no more than 10 minutes, but it will make your loved one feel that they are not losing contact with you. It also helps you know about their daily living and emotional well-being at home or in a community.

2. Take advantage of festivals

Cultures and religions aren’t the only reasons why we celebrate festivals; people get a sense of belonging when celebrating them. Festivals allow the family to come together and celebrate a shared belief, which makes seniors feel valued. Work together with your parents to decorate the home, cook food, manufacture gifts, and more. It’s a great opportunity for you to spend quality time with them and give them a sense of pride.

3. Get them a pet

Getting a companion animal has an astounding effect on seniors. In addition to lowering blood pressure and promoting social connection and physical activity, animals have been shown to alleviate stress and anxiety. Depressive symptoms and feelings of loneliness can also be dramatically reduced when people surround themselves with pets. However, some pets do require more work. Make sure you consider the physical condition of your loved one and ask their preferred animal.

4. Use companion services

If you and your other family members can’t make it to see your loved one regularly, we’re sure you still wish to know their progress and make sure they can manage their daily activities. You can use many companion services, such as drop-in companions and phone call services. Unlike nursing care, companion care focuses on giving emotional support and friendship and practical assistance with everyday tasks for the elderly. Older adults who want to age comfortably and independently in their own homes can use this type of care.

At the end:

Learning to be a good companion needs time, and building empathy is the premise. It is vital to make your loved ones feel heard, understood, and respected. There are many good ways to spend time with your parents and strengthen family bonds, but good companionship shouldn’t depend on whether you are close by or far away.

References: 

https://companionsforseniors.com/2019/10/what-is-companion-care-for-the-elderly/

https://www.comfortlife.ca/home-care/senior-companion-care

https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/10-best-ways-of-spending-time-with-family/

“The only way that people are going to know I’m dead is from the smell in the hallway,” said David. David is 82 and has lived in a condo in Ottawa for 20 years now. His wife died many years ago, and his son lives in British Columbia, more than 4000 kilometres away. 

David only contacts his son through email once a week, and his best friend just died of cancer.

“Aging is a process of losing,” he said,

“You lose your health, career, and the people who used to be around you after a certain age. The only thing you gain is loneliness.”

There are billions of older adults living the same isolated life as David. Senior isolation is not a disease, but anyone who has it usually becomes voiceless and hopeless – all they do is wait to die alone.

What is senior isolation?

Senior isolation is a term that indicates social isolation in older adults. People of various ages can be affected by social isolation. And loneliness in the elderly causes more serious problems than in younger individuals.

According to a National Institute of Aging report, approximately 28 percent of people over 65 years old in the U.S. live in one-person households. However, someone is living alone doesn’t mean they are experiencing loneliness. There are a few factors that contribute to senior isolation, which includes:

– Bereavement of a significant other

– Retirement from work

– Loss of networks with friends

– Change in the living environment

– Mobility or sensory impairment

– Low income or limited financial resources

– Psychological or cognitive issues

– Language/racial/sexual orientation/gender identity barriers

– Lack of transportation or fear toward driving and travelling

Although the causation may differ from person to person, the negative effect of senior isolation could be almost the same for every family.

What is the impact?

The senior:

It starts with health effects. We all know that loneliness is never a pleasant experience for us humans. A report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine (NASEM) suggests that social isolation has proven adverse effects on seniors’ mental health, including anxiety, depression, and cognitive decline that’s highly related to Alzheimer’s disease. The study also shows that chronic isolation induces physical issues such as high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, and even causes premature death.

Besides the direct effects, isolation also causes seniors to remain trapped in the vicious cycle of elder abuse. People with poor social support are more prone to being emotionally and physically mistreated. As the abuse worsens, a senior who undergoes abuse will likely become even more socially isolated.

A study in 2017 suggests that seniors who endure abuse at the hands of a trusted helper may withdraw from socializing due to feelings of shame. Some seniors even 

Believe that abuse is common and even acceptable as time goes by. These circumstances keep the abuse victim mute, thus reinforcing the isolation-abuse cycle.

The family: 

Senior isolation has a detrimental effect on seniors’ families as well.

Elders who are socially isolated and have poor social networks tend to have low-quality relationships with those closest to them, including their family members and friends. This can be attributed to the weakened social skills and a lack of feeling safe caused by chronic isolation. Therefore, seniors living in isolation would make their families feel disconnected and increase their worries when they cannot be around.

In addition, senior isolation is a risk factor for stroke and dementia (report from Centers of Disease Control and Prevention), increasing the family’s burden of taking care of the seniors.

However, as a growing epidemic in modern society, it is impossible to spot someone’s loneliness. The persons going through loneliness may not even recognize it themselves. Here are some signs to look out for:

Signs of Senior Isolation

– Decreased energy

– Feeling foggy or unable to concentrate

– Having trouble sleeping or sleeping more than usual

– Change in eating habits: overeating or loss of appetite

– Loss of interest in hobbies

– Loss of interest in socializing

– Increased shopping

– Declining cognitive abilities

– Interacting with/trusting suspicious people

If your loved one is experiencing all the symptoms above, you need to be alerted that chronic loneliness might develop in your family. However, it doesn’t mean that you are in a hopeless position. There are many ways to overcome senior isolation, and CareStory is here, providing you with some valuable tips to help.

If your loved one is experiencing isolation, you can:

Make regular visits or callsVisit your loved one as often as you can. If you live far away from them or are always on a tight schedule, try to make calls regularly. It is essential to make your family feel that they have not lost connection with you. Also, show interest in the topic they are talking about during the visit or the phone call. Making the person feel that they matter would greatly help them erode being left behind.

If you or a loved one struggle to make regular phone calls, try registering for free companion phone call services such as the “friendly calls program”. Volunteers in the program would provide supportive listening and social engagement, and help clients relieve anxiety, despair, and loneliness through phone calls.

1. Encourage social interaction

Don’t let your family deal with emotions on their own, especially when you and other family members are not around. Encourage your loved ones to make friends with their neighbours and the people they may have daily interactions with. Convince them to participate in group outings and actively engage in community events.

According to a study published by the National Institute on Aging, having an active social life improves one’s physical, mental, and emotional health, which is especially crucial for the elderly who suffer from loneliness and depression.

2. Make transportation easier

Many seniors don’t drive, so making transportation accessible is crucial. Choosing a long-term care home with adequate public transit nearby would encourage seniors to join the crowd and explore more outdoor activities. See our post on “How to Choose a Long-Term Care Home” for more details.

You can ask someone to share a ride with your loved one, but it is better to do it yourself. Offering your loved ones a chance to ride with you and assisting them in learning to use public transit will help them maintain a healthy sense of independence.

3. Notify friends and caregivers

If your family seems reluctant to make social connections actively, it is your job to contact the people who are frequently around them to pay more attention. Some seniors are afraid to step out of their comfort zone. To better assist, getting other people involved in their lives would reduce the sense of isolation. Ask the caregivers to chat with your loved one when they are doing housework, or call your friends to offer assistance with cleaning or cooking, so that they have more chances to “break the ice” and let the warmth in.

4. Get a therapy pet (if possible)

If your loved one lives alone at home, try adopting a pet and make it a good companion for your family. These fuzzy little things do have some therapeutic effects: studies show that pets can reduce seniors’ anxiety and blood pressure and encourage positive social behaviours (ontariospca.com). Moreover, taking care of a pet would make the senior feel rewarded and fulfilled.

If your loved one is living in a long-term care home, be clear on the policies of bringing a pet with the residents. For the homes that do not allow their residents to have pets, you can have your friends get their pets for a visit.

If you are the one who’s experiencing senior isolation, you can:

5. Get involved in the community

Staying active in the community gives individuals a sense of purpose. Many seniors benefit from active involvement with their community and meeting new people. If you live in a retirement community, you will find tons of socializing opportunities! For example, you can volunteer to help with gift wrapping during holiday seasons or perform in a local cultural festival. It’s a great way to get engaged and give yourself a sense of purpose. If you live at home, take advantage of joining a local senior center or any community of interest in the local area. Spending time with others can help fight feelings of isolation and depression to a great extent.

6. Be more physically active

If you can, get in more physical activity. Moving your body can assist to release endorphins, or “happy chemicals,” which can help to reduce stress and make you feel “refreshed.” When you’re alone, you may find it difficult to maintain the habit, so it’s time to join an exercise group!

Taking part in a group exercise class will make your workout more enjoyable and push you to keep going, in addition to lessening your isolation and stress. Exercises can also aid in the prevention of memory loss and cognitive deterioration. There is no need for heavy activities such as playing basketball or swimming. Light exercise like walking or even simple gardening may also make a great difference!

7. Explore interests

Hobbies are great for fighting against loneliness and keeping our minds active. “A watched pot never boils.” Rekindling your old interests or discovering new ones will make you feel the time passes faster than spending your day staring at a clock. Also, picking up a hobby can assist you in meeting new people. Try joining a club, a class, or a group and share common interests with others. You will even discover more hobbies thanks to the other club members. It’s also a fantastic method to keep your mind stimulated.

If you don’t know what hobby should you engage in, here are a few ideas to inspire you to start:

Writing

Tell your stories and share your memories with your families and friends. There are plenty of benefits to storytelling. Don’t believe us? Check out our blog on “The Power of Telling Senior Stories” for details on that. You can also keep a gratitude journal daily, which will help increase your happiness, promote better sleep, and make you focus on the bright side of life.

Fishing

Fishing is a calm and fascinating pastime that can keep you entertained for hours on end. It is much more than just staring at the water and waiting for fish to come. To catch some types of fish, you’ll need special tools. It sometimes even requires you to learn specific fishing techniques to catch a fish, which is challenging and filled with fun.

Painting

Healing and inspiring – this is the power of the arts. Painting gives you a chance to express yourself and discover the beauty of the things around you. It helps you to release your emotions and bolster memories. Furthermore, it requires hand-eye coordination, which will help to improve your mobility.

Birdwatching

Birdwatching isn’t just looking at a bird. Birds are beautiful creatures that connect you to nature. The art of birdwatching requires a keen eye and sufficient patience and knowledge. If you’re new to it, look for a bird reference guide to see which birds visit your region at certain times of the year. You can train your ear to recognize different bird calls and environmental noises. This is also a fun task.

Candlemaking

Candle-making can promote dexterity in hands and fingers and boost your self-esteem by giving you a sense of pride and fulfillment. The aroma of essential oils will calm and relax you, especially when manufacturing scented candles. Candles can also be given as gifts during the holidays or sold to supplement one’s income.

Dining with others

Stop taking your plate to your room and eating alone. Having meals with others will create bonds, and that’s why we always choose a restaurant as a dating spot. A shared dining table will provide you with chances for conversation and storytelling and allow you to eat more if you are experiencing a loss of appetite. Dining is a significant part of social interaction. In many senior centres, country clubs, health clubs, and long-term care home communities. It is recognized as one of the most important elements.

Takeaway:

Senior isolation is both a standard and dangerous situation that seniors face when living alone. It can be attributed to many external or internal reasons, and the harmful impact would profoundly affect the senior’s family. There are a variety of approaches to overcoming loneliness. Whether it’s about assisting others in overcoming loneliness or assisting yourself in dealing with your situation, staying active in social communities and developing interests is always the key.

 

References:

https://www.cdc.gov/aging/publications/features/lonely-older-adults.html

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/chronic-loneliness#when-to-see-a-doctor

https://www.canada.ca/en/national-seniors-council/programs/publications-reports/2014/social-isolation-seniors/page05.html